Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. I celebrated with my little family and enjoyed a relaxing day.
Sometimes I look at my life and think, “How is it that I am 43 years old and can’t seem to get it together?”
As a child and young adult, I always thought the older women in my life had it all together. Maybe some of them did. But I’m learning that “having it all together” is a myth, a construct derived from society to make us feel inadequate. We compare ourselves to others instead of keeping our eyes on Jesus.
Let’s be honest – I compare myself to one person and think, “Wow, I’m doing great. In fact, I’m pretty awesome!” And then in the very next breath I compare myself to someone else and my self-talk is vastly different. “Why can’t I have what she has? Why am I so ____________ (lonely, stupid, inadequate).” You get the picture.
We can all relate to this feeling of comparison, though. I know I’m not the only one who looks around and wishes for someone else’s life on occasion. But comparison steals our joy, and I want more joy in my life.
Yesterday I sat with my journal and looked back over what I had written this past year. I wanted to revisit the lessons I’ve been learning, the things the Lord has been teaching me, hard things I’ve gone through. Here are a few things that stood out:
- We need to fight to trust God no matter what our lives may look like. I wrote this in my journal way back in December but it still holds up today. My life definitely doesn’t look like the life I had dreamed for myself 20 years ago. And I’m not saying that necessarily in a negative light. But when we have dreams for ourselves and then our lives take a different turn, well, it can throw us off-balance. Just this year, we’ve had bumps and challenges and questions. But as I read the words I had written, I’m reminded to trust the God who loves me because His plans are always better.
- This past year showed a theme of being constantly wakened by the Lord to pray for someone. Several times a week for the past year, the Lord has gently nudged me awake with the name of a friend on my heart. Honestly, I haven’t always been faithful to actually get up and pray for that person, but I’m learning that He puts people on our minds for a reason and we would do well to lift them to the Father when we think of them.
- Scripture has been a lifeline and reminder of God’s goodness. Particularly, “The Lord is my portion” (Lamentations 3:24) and “Your praise will ever be on my lips” (Psalm 34:1). I don’t know why those two scriptures have been so prominently on my mind – if you put those two verses together, it doesn’t sound like things are going to go well, does it? But I do want the Lord to be my portion. I do want His praise to continually be on my lips. This is my prayer for this upcoming year.
- Conviction is a good thing if it brings change. Nehemiah 5:19 says “Remember me, O God, for good.” Will God remember me for the good I’ve done? For loving people well? Or will He remember me for my grumbling and complaining? My selfishness?
- You need to let people speak into your life. And actually listen to them. And it doesn’t necessarily need to be a real-life friend. Sometimes the voice of God can come through a book you’re reading or a Bible study you’re working through. I read the following quote by Lisa-Jo Baker in her Bible study We Saved You A Seat when I was struggling with what my place was going to be as our church went through some changes. It spoke to me and I hope it speaks to you as well. “Satan wants you to be distracted into believing you have nothing to offer, to be disengaged, empty, and discouraged. Yet [Jesus] calls you and me each by name, wants all of you, every single breathing bit, to live its fullest deepest truest self in His kingdom. And He will deliberately break us open so that He can multiply all that we have available, all that we can bring to the Kingdom table to feed the people around us. He’s not trying to take something away from us; His intention is to multiply what He’s already given us.”
This year I’ve walked with friends through devastating diagnoses and I’ve watched others wrestle their faith out in obedience.
I’ve stood by Peter’s side and watched him flourish through a tough but amazing year of Physical Therapy school.
And I’ve let go ever so slowly as my children gain more independence, as they walk a little farther away from my shadow and into their own beautifully unique selves.
It’s been a good year. And I’m grateful for it. And I’m grateful for all of you who speak life into me. I love you, friends.